Scenes From an Ivy league College

Promising, Delicate
17 & the light was auburn

as a synesthete, ‘auburn’ for me often means soft, sentimental, loving

You Took my hand, Scarf and all, Vulvaic thoughts, taught me dylan’s wisdom

Through Your poems

bob dylan was this girl’s idol. i don’t think i’d heard a single bob dylan song before our relationship - it felt like a totally different world full of sentiments that exemplified her state of being. i didn’t always ‘feel’ dylan’s messages,, but i still found it found really endearing.

Patience, Patience
Porcelain, made of ivory skin
Your brain Was strange
I’d say Not sane

to be clear - ‘sane’ is not to say she was disturbed or unreasonable - it’s used colloquially here to reference that she struggled with finding a mental ease (and who doesn’t struggle with that?). As a 17 year old kid, this can be a lot to deal with for both sides of a relationship.

Softened purrs
Contented sighs
In my silence I knew you were wise although
It seemed
I couldn’t cherish it

All her watercolored illnesses
They will leave her body ‘til I’m sick instead

All her thoughts and all her ideas They will be my ivy league until I’m dead

Cornell university is where a lot of this relationship took place. spent a decent amount of time here…

Saw me off Through the snow While Meloy separated us both, Goodbye

as i backed out of the parking lot to return home one visit, she stood in the snow holding back tears. this decemberists song came on in my car stereo - a song about two lovers drowning moments after being wed.

Troublesome, Thoughtlessness.

Honeyed bread right upon your bedding - Sweet, Complete

these simple, couple-y pleasures were absolute bliss - but i couldn’t see their worth at all, as i was in a world of ambivalence at best - jealousy and bitterness at worst.

Jealousy: Horrid thing.
Kammerman as a gritty symbol

on one trip to ithaca, i was surprised to find my classmate ‘kammerman’ also visiting. he was someone i found to be braver than i. he had grit i lacked. he was a symbol of what to be jealous of.

Scent You made - It Burned My brain

never forget the scent of grapeseed oil + burt’s bees. she had a specific scent. I’ve only smelled something like it one other time, and it nearly made me cry.

Ithaca, Ithaca: Land of roofs, land of books and sun and her, And us, And the bitter end

ithaca has always been a magical, intoxicating place for me. having a pivotal relationship occur there was extremely potent.

All her watercolored illnesses
They will leave her body ‘til I’m sick instead
All her thoughts and all her ideas
They will be my ivy league until I’m dead

I wander through the leaves
Defeated, no release at all
A wound is underneath
Softened peacoat threads,

Hairs upon my head

a callback to this wound: “the knife that’s stuck in myself, i hide it, yeah, i’m bleeding”

Detritus for my seeds

Still waiting for a tree to grow

A decade behind me

In an auburn

glade

There’s no lack of shade

When the sun’s an opaque dot

October is a tease - A pretty, preppy equinox. But in reality: An uncaring void, Memories of joy caged behind a regal lock

fun fact, this was the first lyric written for this song, and this is the ledge where i wrote it on 10/15/2018. i had no idea it would be the precipice for this entire song.